Have you ever opened your wallet and thought to yourself,’What the hell? I swore I had another $23 in here,’ analyzed the sitution, and realized that you were, in fact, the thief you sought? Today I spent around twelve painful minutes searching for a place to park at school, and finally thought, “F it, I don’t care if it says ‘no parking here’ I’m gonna be late.” I returned to the lot after class and there was no green grand prix. “Tater tots with cheese!” I exclaimed. I had been towed, godamnit. I went into the firm to inquire which towing company they used so I might find my poor coupe. They replied they don’t tow, and I thought,’Oh thank God.’ Then I thought, ‘Oh Farm animal! Someone stole my car!’ My pupils dialated and my chest pounded, I dialed 9-1-1.
“State the address of your emergency.”
“Hi, I’m actually wondering if you can connect me to the non-emergent police line.”
“I can’t give you their number. What happened, sir?”
“I think somebody stole my car.”
“Where was your car?”
“In the parking lot across from FRCC, to the uh… west.”
“Oh, Jesus. There it is. Nevermind.”
“You found it?”
“Yeah. Sorry. Thanks.”
“It’s alright, goodbye.”
And so the caper of the abducted automobile was solved. It made me wonder, however, how it would have played out had I not seen it; it could have been significantly more embarassing. Next time I will park as far away as I have to, no matter if I have to cross sun-beaten sand dunes, raging rivers, or a thicket in wicked woods. Adios y vaya con dios, amigos.