We Must Be Vigilant, Friends

The Devil is a wily foe, not to be underestimated. Take heed, brethren, for the end of days may be nigh! For you, that is. The Devil’s chosen people will be just peachy. The Devil even possesses those you thought loved you the most at times. His influence is as dark and strong as truck stop coffee. Waver not, my fellows, for it is only by defiance that the Devil may be kept at bay–he is never entirely defeated. Take inspiration from thy enemy: learn from his courage and tenacity. You must possess the Devil before he possesses you! And you are capable, my friend, so long as you trust in Satan. In Satan we’ve found salvation. By his holy example, humanity learns lessons of incalculable value. Satan’s instructions have been kept simple in order to reach the broadest range of people possible. They are called the Seven Fundamental Tenets, and they are as follows (with my commentary in parentheses):

I One should strive to act with compassion and empathy toward all creatures in accordance with reason. (I disagree with this qualifier, and find it pretty meaningless here.)

II The struggle for justice is an ongoing and necessary pursuit that should prevail over laws and institutions. (Agreed. Laws and institutions much too often make great barriers to positive change and adaptation.)

III One’s body is inviolable, subject to one’s own will alone. (Amen!)

IV The freedoms of others should be respected, including the freedom to offend. To willfully and unjustly encroach upon the freedoms of another is to forgo one’s own. (Hmmm, I’m not nearly as concerned with offending people as they are–provided it is only via speech.)

V Beliefs should conform to one’s best scientific understanding of the world. One should take care never to distort scientific facts to fit one’s beliefs. (Should have added, stay humble and recognize that science is merely a method of gaining understanding.)

VI People are fallible. If one makes a mistake, one should do one’s best to rectify it and resolve any harm that might have been caused. (Now this one should have that “in accordance with reason” qualifier.)

VII Every tenet is a guiding principle designed to inspire nobility in action and thought. The spirit of compassion, wisdom, and justice should always prevail over the written or spoken word. (A perfect close: the ultimate authority should always be those spirits.)

Now you are better equipped to battle the Devil, with Satan and its wisdom on your side! Go forth, and Satan-speed, my brothers and sisters!


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