Epic Rap Battles of Literature: Uncle Tom vs Lil’ Eva

TOM: Well child it looks to me like your time has done come/

but ‘fore the good Lord calls you up Imma tell you somm’/

we ain’t gonna miss you it was all for show/

matter fact we was all glad to see you go/

you just a proud kid but you think you’re an angel/

you think you see me in heaven, you deranged yo/

Jesus this and Mary that/

St. Peter snatch up the welcome mat/ when he see you smilin’ his face be flat/

handin’ out your nasty hair what? why don’t you quit/

you couldn’t breath the air ’cause you smelled your own bullshit/

talkin’ love joy peace oh gimme a break/

you were still wet behind the ears your words were empty as space/

having faith is easy when you profit off the labor and suffering of another race


EVA: Tom I thought we was friends but that was so cold/

I guess you get bitter when you always bein’ sold/

but Haley ain’t the only one flippin’ flesh you did some sellin’ too–ya sell out/

couldn’t save the woman on the boat ya just stuttered maybe she fell out/

you gotta get up stand up for you and yours or get the hell out/

picture me rollin’ up in heaven came up so fast I almost got the bends/

you the lamest excuse for a hero don’t try to pretend/

I could end this battle right now if I said I heard ya master callin’/

you hustlin’ sweatin’ pushin’ a plow, I’m singing with the herald angels, eternally ballin’/

you plainer than the narrator of this book/

moaning like Nixon you ain’t a crook/

but you sittin’ in a cell/ you got nothin’ like a hermit crab without a shell/

I’m an abolitionist and you right I dunno what it’s like/

but I do know you just got served by a little bald tyke

You’ve Heard of the Power-Lunch But. . .

Welcome. I’m here to introduce to you, today an idea that will change your business irrevocably. I’m talking about increased productivity, increased profits, increased company morale, increased fairy dust. Okay, so that last one is a joke, but I assure you, this mind-blowing concept is not. Are you ready? Are you sure? I can’t hear you! Everyone in business should be familiar with the power-lunch. It was a revolutionary idea developed in the mind of Donald Trump’s first employee that he fired. Of course he was canned because if he was going to keep having ideas like that and trying to take credit for them, needless to say that’s bad for business. I woulda done the same thing, Don. Now, the power-lunch was ingenious because it drilled into the minds of those pesky employees– who I suppose do all the work to make us fat-cats rich, but anyway screw ’em–that they needed to be not just thinking about work while scrambling to eat something to have the energy to continue that work, but to actually work through their lunches as well. I don’t just mean answering or sending off an email or two. I mean that the lunch hour (Jeez, are they really getting an hour!? That’s too much…) should be the most productive hour of the day. Of course this idea was wonderful, but it lacked in one crucial area–it didn’t go far enough. In America we have to beat the best to be the best, we cannot settle for half-measures, we must always strive to take things up to the next level, like Tetris. Close your eyes for a minute, take a deep, controlled breath. . . . . .Introducing the Power-Dump! That’s right, if you’re anything like me, it sickens you to think of the valuable company time those slackers you employ waste by relieving themselves of their bodily waste. When one bears down to pass a bowel movement, it lowers their blood pressure. Employers must seize this moment so that employees don’t become too relaxed that it hurts their productivity. This is why my company has installed automatic hypodermic caffeine injectors in the restrooms.  My company has also put laptops on adjustable arms in each toilet stall, and the door of the stalls lock from the inside until they complete a legitimate work task. Or, if they take too long to do so, a trap door opens to a garbage chute leading to a dumpster full of “You’re Terminated” form letters. Imagine what we can accomplish using this valuable time. If you take just one thing away from this presentation remember these words, dump-time is crunch-time!

Spring Stand-Up

So you’re all here hoping to be entertained, maybe hoping to chuckle even. Hoping that just for one second you can choke down the pain and wipe the tears away and keep from sucking on your thumbs just long enough to relax and laugh at the silliness of something.

Well too bad, this is going to be yet another disappointing, misleading, time and money eating venture, so strangle any fledgling hopes you had for this posting.

Money. That’s right, you paid to read ridiculous babble like this in one way or another.

Dr. Seuss Wooden Nickel

Dr. Seuss Wooden Nickel (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Maybe you even used one of those new 20’s. Believe it or not, the new ones are worth more than the old 20’s. Really, they’ve got 10% more cocaine residue than they used to. Look at it, Jackson’s got a nose bleed. It’s sad really, even our founders are getting retroactively hooked on the go-go powder.

But that’s not the answer, maaaaan. You’ve got to embrace life. Well, first you have to catch it, then you have to embrace it. Not a loving embrace, you have to squeeze it until it’s uncomfortable and starts to push you off, and thinks to itself, ‘Oi. I remembered hugging was bad, but not that bad. Forget it, I’m telling the next person I have leprosy or something.’

Regardless, I digress, allow me to progress ‘lest I agress. Hear a lot of empty threats these days? Or is it just me? People have to believe people think they’re tough. Oh, me man? ME?!!! You don’t wanna. . . haha. You don’t even know. I’ll find your dog, I’ll give it a treat and pet it. I’ll tell your grandmother she’s the nicest person I’ve met all week. I’ll bake you. . .cookies! Whatever kind you like. I swear to God, man, don’t even think for a millisecond that I won’t.

It’s all so impressive. This brave, new American culture. It’s torn from the pages of a sadistic Dr. Seuss wannabe’s story. Speaking of sadistic, rape . . . Yeah, apparently it’s still happening. People wonder why; they want to argue about who is to blame. It’s got to be someone. The mentally ill, the schools’ lack of armed teachers, the sundresses, the beer, the person who rapes the other person, or the person who gets raped. Which one is it? It’s a maddening conundrum. Definitely not the society that accepts girls to go out half naked, get drunk in public and private, glamorizes having one-night-stands each day of the week, and doesn’t penalize attackers in many cases.

One can only imagine that feeling if you haven’t experienced it. The feeling of being blamed. Think of Great Men such as Tiger Woods, Bill Clinton, Kobe Bryant, Ben Rothelisberger, Charlie Sheen, Rod Blagojevitch, OJ Simpson, Bernie Madoff, and the latest edition, Lance Armstrong. We truly do crucify our heroes. Wait, did I say Great Men? I meant Depraved Devils. I’m sorry. Why do we idolize some of these men, think their transgressions comical, and not others?

Because life in this country is one big prophylactic commercial. But like LeVar Burton would say, “Of course, you don’t have to take my word for it, go and read it for yourself.”

Yes, good old Geordi has a bead on it. He traveled the universe. He must have traveled by Uranus, which reminds me of a favorite saying of mine about the planet, “Uranus: making people choose between saying ‘urine’ or referring to someone’s anus since 1781.”

The Drink for Thought

President Barack Obama enjoys a beer with Dako...

cervesa es deliciosa

Which presidential candidate would you rather have a beer with? Romney’s a Mormon. Santorum only sips wine at Communion. Gingrich prefers to guzzle the tears of dissappointed wives. Obama has Honey Ale brewed right in the White House.

This November grab a brew with Barry.

Curious George

Charlie Sheen Winning

1. Why is it that the most attractive creatures on Earth (women) are also the easiest to offend?

God has a sense of humor.

2. Why do some boys have longer hair and tighter jeans than their girlfriends, and what does that say about the girls?

Good F’n questions.

3. Why can’t they put up blackboards for all the public restroom stalls?

Who knows? Procrastination? Not to mention music, no one likes to hear someone straining to ‘build a log cabin.’

4. Why did Charlie Sheen agree to get roasted?

First of all, who cares, that’s awesome! Secondly, money and narcissism. Duh.

5. Is there anyone worth voting for for President in 2012, and will the world end?

No, probably not and no, probably not.